This week in passive aggressive annoyance

Every week I’ll endeavor to passively complain about all the things in the world that fall somewhere on the mildly annoy to I’m really mad at this because I’m hungry scale. Since this is the first (official) week previous rankings are not in parentheses.
10. The Oilers drum guy.

Very important to note, I’m not referring to the panhandler that bangs on 5 gallon pails at the LRT entrance after games.  That guy brings it every single night and earns every penny he gets.  No, I’m talking about the guy Aquila pays to awkwardly bang the drum inside during the game.  He actively sucks the life out of building that is already bordering on lifeless.  How does he make it worse? His drum banging repeats too quickly not allowing the sheep people to finish their chant before the next one starts. He’s repetitive not just in his choice of chant, of which there is only one, but by his movement.  Watch him.  He bangs the drum 5 times, cocks his elbow back with his fist to his ear on “Let’s go” and points somewhere random for “Oilers”.  Also, he doesn’t seem to watch the game.  No one should be chanting while the Oilers are on the PK and no one wants to be chanting late in yet another blow out.

Side note about the chant: since the Oilers have gone full retro (except for the winning) why not use the 80’s “Here we go Oilers, here we go (clap clap)” chant?  Maybe that’s the key to success.

9. House-less Harry Potter fans

You’ve been a fan of this highly overrated books series for years, accept your fate.

8. Rob Ford haters (non-Torontonians)

If you don’t live in Toronto, Rob Ford has to be near the top of your “political scandal power rankings” (light bulb) because that shit was hilarious.  A morbidly obese, crack smoking, pussy eating, old bitch pushing, fat guy dancing, football loving, seat stealing, chicken wing eating mayor of a city we all hate anyway? It’s perfect.  For a generation of people that are over stimulated that guy was pure entertainment.  I can’t wait to see what he does with his next four year.  Four more years! Four more years!  Of course, if you’re from Toronto you should probably have a different view point because that guy is fucking nuts.  Rob Ford for Priminister! No wait, that’s not right…

7. Municipal enforcement

All that money we spend handing out chicken shit tickets under the guise of “safety” really pays off when the weather gets bad and the roads get icy.  I can’t think of how many times I’ve screamed out in anguish, “I need help…. Where are the photo radar guys”?  I need a hero!

6. George Lucas

This is totally not because I’m watching Revenge of the Sith right now, but how can you, in the same scene, show a robot flying out of lava AND two blue collar workers manually scooping up lava? He screwed up episode one and two so thoroughly that he checked out on three, right?

5. Winter Tires

I’m almost certain these things are nothing more than a brilliant marketing scam aimed at people who want to completely gloss over the idea that driving is a skill that needs to learned and harnessed.  Having trouble stopping? Try ABS, not increasing follow time and eye lead time.  Skidding? Try traction control, not steering out of a skid. Can’t parallel park? Try a self parking car, not learning how to park your car.  Tires spinning? Try more spinning, not gentling feathering the gas.  Winter tires, like the rest of these innovations, are helpful, but are not a short cut.  Or trust in your Nokias.  Whatever.

4. Children’s Magicians

I don’t mean magicians who are children, or magicians, or people learning magic.  Magic / illusion / sleight of hand are all really interesting things and a good skill to cultivate.  I’m talking about an adult, who once had dreams, becoming a guy that just uses his magic to entertain children.  What happened to you, man? Using cheap packaged gimmicks to distract sugar fueled 4 year olds? What has become of your soul? Sad.

3. Tim Hortons

Where the hell is the apostrophe?

2. Urinals

At some point can science figure out a way to end the scourge that is splash back? Preferably sometime before I start wearing sandals this summer?  It’s bad enough I’m splashing piss on my dress shoes, but I’ll be peeing in sandals next to other men peeing in sandals very soon.  This is a problem that needs to be solved.

1. Kevin Lowe

Dear Mr. Katz, it’s been 8 years out of the playoffs.  At what point is your organization going to stop telling me that the brain trust that got the Oilers into this 8 year mess are the people to get us out of it? The boys on the bus are the problem, not the solution.  They are the dead mush rotting the very core of my Oilers, nothing will be fixed until the rot is isolated and killed like the cancer they are.  Please?  #FireLowe