With day zero (minus 1?) in the books at Sochi it’s time for my world famous something in preview where I tell you what is going to happen in very unspecific terms usually the most scientifically correct methodology. 10 sports will kick off the games and a total of 13 gold medals will be awarded (unless the Russian judges cheat – the Jamie Sale might win again). Also of note, I’m playing around with footnotes this post.
1. The Russians will cheat
Russia did not enjoy Vancouver 2010. I was wandering around the Russian Pavilion on the second Tuesday when I happened upon what appeared to be a live radio broadcast going back to Russia. Now I don’t understand a word of Russia, but they were mad. Don Cherry talking about Russians mad (mixed that metaphor!). Back when the Soviet Union was still a thing, they finished first at 7 of their 9 Olympics. Since the breakup Russia has rebounded with finished of 1st, 3rd, 5th, 4th, and…. 11th in Vancouver. Their 3 gold medals were the fewest they’ve ever won. It doesn’t take a line graph to know which way the trend is going. So it stands to reason that a Russia governed by an old school Cold War villain will do everything in his limitless power to look like Russia has returned to its former glory. Spend 51 billion dollars? Sure, but it doesn’t mean a damn thing unless it comes with gold. Russia will do everything you can think of and a few things you can’t to win medals. 10 gold and 25 medals. Book it.
2. No one will notice something is up with Russia
You’ll all be distracted by piles of garbage, yellow water, hotel rooms, gay rights, Circassians* (not really), and bitchy journalists to notice Russia results are getting a slightly larger bump than the host nation usually gets. Does Russia care where the “Official IOC Mandated Protest Zone Is”? No. Russia cares where the medal podium is and they built the damn thing (last week) so they have a pretty good idea where to find. Friendly reminder, the cold war was just a battle. Don’t be distracted.
3. The distraction technique won’t work, but this one will.
Because no one cares about what the media is bitching** about especially when they’re being paid to go to an event I’d consider a strong vacation option. Shut up media. Enjoy the travel and report back on the distractions we care about. People care about medals, athletes, venues, and flag; in that order. They will all be beautiful and captivating. Especially with the brilliant strategy of putting an elite tier event like the team figure skating right at the top of the schedule. That’s what we plebs want to be distracted by. Beauty (figure skating) cool shit (slopestyle) hockey (awww-women’s prelims) and pageantry (opening ceremonies). Give me that and Russia could invade my front lawn (but I’m not Georgia, so they won’t) and I wouldn’t notice until I looked at where the Oilers*** are in the standings sometime around March 10th.
4. Two people**** will notice something is up with the Russian results
But there won’t be proof and they’ll be immediately branded as haters when they slander Russia with hints, allegations, and thing left unsaid. This will cause the rest of the assembled media, who spent the previous two weeks slandering Russia, to flip their narrative and start praising everything that miraculously came together at the last minute. Oh, and the Russian athletes have really stepped their game up. I mean Evgeni Plushenko is 31 years old, how did he finish first in the team version of the men’s short program. It’s impressive.
5. Those this that miraculously came together at the last minute?
You will stop asking questions about how exactly they came together at the last minute. You know why? Because migrant workers don’t win medals and there’s no official media coverage for the train ride back to Siberia. The events, athletes, and venues will all look good and the games will go on with only a rare thought as to how it happened when everything looked so bad last Tuesday.
Hope this helps!
*Go read about Circassia and why they hate the idea of the Sochi Olympics. I guarantee you won’t believe that little piece of history.
**Actually I kind of like when bad things happen to the media.
***#FireLowe
****I mean important people, not me.
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